The Constitutional Battle
by Regis Filia
Summary: When France declares war on England in 1793, America finds his contemporaries debating a very important question: "It is quite simple, America. Which do you support: USUK or FrUS?"


_A/N: This seriously happened. Well, sort of. _

_Not everything is 100% accurate, but I tried to accommodate as much accuracy as I could with my chosen timeline. I have tweaked certain details to my liking- other changes should be entirely obvious._

_**WARNING:** This is a crackfic. Like, as in, OOC Founding Fathers and "Forgive me APUSH Gods, for I have sinned." _

_-NOW-_

_To begin this story, let me give you the cut-and-dry basics of Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson. They also explain most of the history-references that are made, so you might want to read them._

_~Regis Filia_

**Alexander Hamilton**

_-Secretary of Treasury under President George Washington (1789-1795)_

_-A Federalist: He believed in a strong, centralized government_

_-A Loose Constructionist: He believed in a more liberal interpretation of the Constitution. This was known as the "necessary and proper clause" (also, the "elastic clause")._

_- He felt that economic planning should be left to the wealthy. This would ensure stability in economic and political affairs._

_- Hamilton wanted America to become a self-sufficient industrial power._

_-Hamilton has been called a "Secret Monarchist." In other words, were America to align itself (himself?) with another country, Great Britain would be his personal choice. He thought that strong economic ties with Great Britain would be advantageous in priming America's economy. _

_**The original USUK supporter. **_

_Makes sense now, right?_

**Thomas Jefferson **

_-Author of the Declaration of Independence,_

_-Secretary of State under President George Washington (1790-1793)_

_- A Democratic-Republican ("Jeffersonian" Republican)- or, to put it simply, a Republican: As a Republican, he thought that a large, federal government would oppress the people and threaten the rights of the states. He preferred smaller, state governments._

_-A Strict Constructionist: He believed in a more literal interpretation of the Constitution._

_-He wanted the United States to remain (primarily) agricultural._

_- As the author of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson was inclined to support the French Revolution. Even in the face of Robespierre and his guillotine-sprees, Jefferson would not abandon France. _

_**The original FrUS supporter.**_

_In summary: These two liked to disagree as much as possible._

* * *

><p><em>The Constitutional Battle<em>

**Philadelphia**

**~Presidential Manor~**

**1793**

**3:00 PM**

Peace there was not; silence there would never be. To think otherwise, to even question the possibility, was to utter the sincerest of lies. If ever he had any thought, any notion, that President Washington's cabinet would get along; well, he'd simply be in denial.

America was not one to lie to himself, or so he prided his conscious- the surest sign of internal dishonesty. Henceforth, the exuberant nation judged, pardoning the conflicts would not be his doing. Were he to, _his sanity forbid_, condone the political skirmishes, he'd find himself very weary and wrought with a Jefferson-Hamilton induced headache.

Alas,_ "It may be too late to avert __that__." _He lamented.

Indeed, it certainly was.

America presently suffered a migraine of the worst sort. The year's tumults had seized his brain and gleefully, he ascertained, bludgeoned the Constitution against it. Always the screech of "Interpret me literally" and "Interpret me liberally," echoed with the collisions, followed by the accustomed reprimands of the Founding Fathers. Nation or human, America was not excluded from condition of stress- a fact that he lately begrudged. Political philosophy was not easily borne, so nor was the Constitution or, as America understood, the men who debated it.

The Constitutional Convention had been a trying time. They had convened in secret and, though he knew it necessary, America was hesitant to be the medium through which his leaders argued. But he was the hero, a hero to whom men and women rallied around the cry of 'liberty,' and he could not avoid what was to establish the governing of his people. One part of his self, the logical portion, was pleased to rewrite the Articles of Confederation. He disapproved of his states strangling one another over commerce that the government was indisposed to regulate. New York had angrily approached him about New Jersey selling her chickens and vegetables in his territory, thereby sufficiently draining him of needed monetary assets. There was also something about cabbage, though America couldn't quite remember what. In the end, New York had thrown one or two of said cabbages at New Jersey, only to be greeted by a successful venture at tar-and-feathering.

"_Yes."_ America remembered, mildly exasperated. _"A Constitution was desperately in order."_

Yet, for all of the problems that it did solve, the "unheroic" aspect of America had not desired a Constitution. That part had agreed _"Oh, yes! The Articles of Confederation are perfectly fine!"_, whilst fearing the inevitable division that would be created.

...Patrick Henry had _also_ sent him more than one threat regarding the Federalists. Something resembling an "Up yours" may have also been pronounced, along side "Give me liberty, or give me death" which had been cleverly mutated into "Give me liberty _or else, Alfred._"

And Patrick Henry was not one to confront, lest the encounter involved a keen deafness to virulent oratory and_ thorough_ inebriation.

In many ways, America's assumptions of paranoia had been proven correct. Following the Constitution's ratification, two distinct political ideologies had taken root: Federalism and Jeffersonian Democracy. So now the nation, split by the two opposing beliefs, was left to rot upon a chair in the Presidential manor, wishing swift death upon both Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson- the Federalist and the Democratic-Republican, forever in disagreement.

* * *

><p><strong>4:00 PM<strong>

"Gentlemen, we are presented with an important matter. On this passed first of February, France declared war on England. Shall these States choose neutrality?"

America drummed his fingers upon the table. It was an issue of concern, he well knew. But he was also quite tired; his aforementioned headache had been plaguing him for more than a fortnight and there were a plethora of questions he'd rather contemplate. For example: _"How do I feel about the Bank of the United States? Should I loathe it? If I do, maybe someone will kill it for me?"_

**Somewhere far off in the glimmering future, President Andrew Jackson sharpened his knife. He hated that bank. Hated it. "Who needs a Second Bank of the United States, anyway?" He grumbled. "And who cares if it contributes to the Financial Panic of 1837? Damn bank! I'll kill it!"**

Another question also fluttered through America's mind: _"England may be a controlling ass, but he's rather attractive- even more attractive than James Madison. I wonder what he'd look like in a corset. England, I mean. Not Madison." _

"Alfred?"

The thought had become so very amusing that America was imagining what all of the nations- _and_ the Founding Fathers- would look like in women's apparel.

"Haha, Washington in a dress!"

"He may be daft." Henry Knox muttered.

"Of that, I would not be surprised." Edmund Randolph, the Attorney General, agreed.

"...Alfred, are you listening at all?" Thomas Jefferson inquired.

America removed himself from his state of delirium. He had, unwittingly, spoken aloud.

"Oh, yeah. I think so."

"I'd rather you 'know'. Now, back to what I was saying, how shall we address this foreign affair? Shall we choose neutrality, whereby we shall avoid all favoritism towards France or England, or shall we advance our interests and ideals through support of the **French**?"

"_Oh, sweet Iggy on high."_ America thought it best to retreat back into the recesses of his mind; he knew what was coming next. 'French' was likely to have disastrous effects.

"The French, Mr. Jefferson? I think you mean the British." Hamilton interrupted.

"Treasurer, when I said the French, it was fully intentional. They have waged a war against monarchy, something we ought to support. I did forget, though. You'd rather have America ruled by a king."

"It would be to our advantage to have normalized relations with British. With good trade, we shall eventually possess industry."

"I think not. This is an agrarian land. Those who labor in the earth are the chosen people of God."

"No, I must be discordant. And did you say monarchy? Because I did not."

The exchange went back and forth; meanwhile, America was hoping that they would not turn to him. His headache, much like Germany's future stomachache, was growing steadily worse.

Unfortunately, luck thought America's afflictions to be riotously entertaining.

"America." Jefferson asked, adhering to formalities. "Would you like to be with England, the despot that you fought against?"

"Or," Hamilton added with irritation. "Would you like to be preyed upon by France?"

"Who, I shall remind you, assisted us with Lafayette?"

Whatever Hamilton meant by "preyed upon," America did not want to know.

"...What...what...are you talking about?" America quavered. His boisterous self-confidence had taken a barrage of mindrape **(read: France)**, any lucidity of speaking would be both imperfect and impossible. "Would you two clarify?"

"Of course." Hamilton responded. "It is quite simple, _America_. Which do you support: USUK or FrUS?"

And with that single question, America's history had gone to hell.

* * *

><p>The sheer absurdity of it was enough to bring the hero to a complete halt. His mind ceased to function, with even his mouth's autopilot dismantled.<p>

"America, speak you?"

He could not for Thomas Jefferson, as mustering a nod of his head was too much a labor by itself.

"America?"

With a sudden creak, the nation's mouth unhinged.

America was a forceful personality; his zeal for life was characteristic of every century. His vocal magnitude, on the contrary, was an attribute rightfully developed in 1793. How else was he to be heard over the Founding Fathers?

"W-why?" America asked, ending his own silence. "Why am I the _UKE?_"

"Do you mean the UK? You're not; you're America." Jefferson reasoned. "Surely you'd know that much."

"Perhaps we need another personification?" Hamilton mused.

America glowered at Hamilton.

"Let me try this again: Why am I on the BOTTOM?"

"The bottom?"

"Yes, the _bottom_. I'm not submissive to France!"

The Secretary of Treasury fought back an urge to laugh.

"It's true. We are a nation destined for greatness but, _Alfred_, everyone is compliant to _Francis_."

"Comp...ply..._compliant_?"

"You were seen after Saratoga, having what seemed to be a _rousing_ good time _(You ought to be thanking Mr. Benjamin Franklin)._ Although, in my opinion, you should be sharing more of those moments with England. FrUS is Jefferson's OTP; He faps to it every evening. "

"IT WAS ONLY ONCE... and that's disgusting, Hamilton. Why would you know that?"

America then absorbed the rest of the 'although.'

"...and you're kidding me, right? Federalist or not, you were for the Revolution! Have you forgotten Yorktown?"

"The war, though necessary for our people, just made USUK more appealing. _Especially_ after Yorktown. What a surrender it was; I could ne'er forget it! England trudging down the pathway, surrounded on either side by our people and France's _(though I still think his perversions misplaced)_! You could have made him _your_ own, America. Now that I dwell upon it, the Articles of Capitulation _should have _included a provision in which England would be manacled, chained to your bed, moaning..."

"OH MY- PLEASE, HAMILTON. _PLEASE_. DO NOT CONTINUE."

"There's no need to yell, Alfred."

"YES, THERE'S REASON TO YELL! DO YOU SEE ME ADDRESSING YOUR LOVE LIFE _(both real and imagined)_ WITH JEFFERSON? NUH-UH."

"Well, actually, you just did. And 'Love life', sir? That's such a crude way of terming what is mere political opposition."

"Is that what you're calling it, Hamilton? Cause' that's some _heated_ politics."

Jefferson had since meant to intervene, now he regretted his late entrance.

Knox and Randolph did, as well. They remained in their seats, severely traumatized.

"Why bring me into this?" Jefferson's tone was more so accusatory than inquiring.

"I marvel as to why!" America huffed, channeling his anger back towards Hamilton. "Maybe because I've had to 'learn' about my prospective _'politics' _with France and England all month? You're worse than...I don't know who, _savage _fanboys, but you're horrible!"

America had not yet met Hungary- or Japan, as it was rumored.

"It's not my fault that you're so cute with England!"

"_Did Hamilton just say 'cute?'... Well, at least I top in that situation." _America thought.

"Really, have you no taste?" Came the voice of Jefferson. "That Revolutionary War angst is overdone, I tell you. _Overdone. _FrUS is unique, something to behold."

"_Well, 'behold' __might be excessive." _

"And," Jefferson continued, "If you're going to put _our _America with _eyebrows_, it has to be UKUS; none of this USUK!"

**Oh.**

**No.**

**He.**

**Didn't.**

But he did.

Thomas Jefferson; the third President of the United States, its first Secretary of State, and the author of the Declaration of Independence had an _uke_ fetish. France would have been proud.

"WHAT, WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE OPPRESSED BY A MONARCHY! THAT'S WHY YOU LIKE FrUS!" America exploded.

Now he was even using the pairing names. "Great." America grumbled. "Just great."

Jefferson blushed, lightly coughing into his hand. "There are...there are exceptions, America."

"Exceptions?"

"Yes, that would be correct._ Exceptions._ Now, shall we continue..."

"He still hasn't answered my question..."

"OH, NO. NO WAY." America shrieked. "I'M NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS, HAMILTON. AND I'M NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH YOU EITHER, JEFFERSON. YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY?"

"..."

"USUK?"

America could practically see the hearts in Hamilton's eyes.

"NO! I SAY...Neutrality." America inhaled the musty air. He had forgotten to breathe.

"Neutrality?" Jefferson and Hamilton asked simultaneously.

Whispers of "Praise the Lord!" could be heard from the momentary location of Knox and Randolph.

"Neutrality, Mr. Jefferson. Neutrality, Mr. Hamilton."

* * *

><p><strong>5:00 PM<strong>

_At last, the meeting was progressing..._

"I agree." Hamilton stated, though noticeably aggravated by the dismissal of his own question.

"Why not stall and make countries bid for our neutrality?" Jefferson countered. He was suspicious of Federalist influences...and also trying to forget his prior behavior.

"American neutrality is not negotiable."

Jefferson wanted to protest, but found himself being quieted by his country.

"No, Hamilton is right." America insisted. "We can't have war; we're not prepared to face either England or France. I may be a hero, but even I understand my own limits."

There was a semblance of truth to his confession. One afternoon with Jefferson and Hamilton was more than America could endure in one year- never mind England AND France.

"Shall we, then, issue a Proclamation of Neutrality?" Henry Knox questioned.

"Yes." America confirmed. "Once we have the approval of President Washington, I believe that this will have been the most appropriate course of action."

* * *

><p><em>And on April 22, 1793, President Washington put forth America's Proclamation of Neutrality.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>5:30 PM<strong>

America concluded the meeting soon after. Knox and Randolph left without the customary farewells, whilst Jefferson and Hamilton remained to collect papers. The meeting had been a dysfunctional one and, though America was bewildered, he prophesied that it would not be his last. He would scarce admit it, but it had been amusing. Most political meetings were prolonged, dull lapses without resolve- everything that, America noted with humor, the previous engagement had not been. He'd be sure to never preside over a meeting in any other way; so long, of course, as it did not entail the particulars of his relationships.

With a heroic smile, America prepared his leave.

"I bid you a good day." He asserted, a surge of renewed vigor apparent in his valediction.

"Godspeed, America." Jefferson returned.

Hamilton nodded in acceptance.

"Oh, and gentlemen." America added, just before he strode out of the door.

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**"I ship FrUK."**


End file.
